Ouch!!! It hurts

Love the most bewildering word in Anvisha's life. Anvisha who is juvenile, bold, humorous, enterprising, zestful..etc..etc..etc.. The list of adjectives describing her personality, somehow fall short. In simple words, she is young, beautiful, successful and not to forget “SINGLE”. 24th October, 2014 - A note from Anvisha's Diary

I am 28, and have all that I have desired in life till yet. A successful career to pay all my bills, the home I had dreamed of and decorate with my crafts, a luxury show off car, the perfect wardrobe that every girl wishes to have a dress with pair of shoes and accessories different, and still a hefty bank balance to carry on all my activities.

But there is always, that one corner left, that makes me crave to slight left out of my perfect life. Being at the highest peak of my career, when I look back to my life, I feel that I have left a lot behind. This diary and my favourite glass of red wine are the only companions I am left out with to actually share my feelings with, "No Filter". The silence of this night is engraving my loneliness. Once back in life, somewhere i had read a quote by Ratan Tata, which said, "If you want to walk fast, walk alone, but if you want to talk far, walk together". My first feeling after reading this quote was a deep call from my soul, which I overheard in the race of achieving the luxuries in life. Its not that don't have family and friends in life. It also not that I am anti-social. I have a big joint family, and I call my home the, "The Mad Villa". All the people living here are full of live and always energetic. We have also planted a board outside which reads, "Enter the Villa, at you own risk of -LIFE", encircled with the danger sign around it. It's not that my family is mentally sick or something. Its just that, we live it to the fullest, and most importantly, we live our days, one by one - each day at a time. All of my uncles and aunts are highly educated and are holding highly reputed positions in their work life. But as they enter the gates of our home, they are infected with the laughing mania which spreads like a epidemic disease. So that's my family life. Talking of my friends, they are no lesser MAD, than the above criteria of people defined. In my list of friends, there are some who know me from childhood, some are college friends, some from work and few include the list of my bosses as well. The characteristics defined of being extremely MAD, goes with this bunch. Many a times there is a competition between both the categories, "Who is more funny and more witty?" and the results..are even better, the whole episode is forcefully stopped and literally one gang of friends is thrown out, as the rest get a ache in their stomach laughing. My mom, sometimes, gets trouble breathing, laughing so much. Hmmm, the best part about writing for me is, it makes me feel the whole scenario. I was sad, when started, happy reminiscing the happy times, and now confused...When I have such a perfect life, why do I sulk, even when nothing is wrong...why do I feel that there is a lot, I wanna say..but then suddenly my voice disappears. I strongly feel this emptiness in me, as if all this I have achieved in life, is just worthless..Is my single hood, calling me?? Is it that seeing everyone have their better half, I have started to crave for one. The feelings that I had locked in my heart, is now creaking out the locked door?? No..No..this cannot happen to me..the infection of feelings and this dumb love thing, cannot get into me.. May be I should for once invade in myself, and check the status. So lets analyse this from the very beginning, or the time my memory can recall things. Making a note chronologically, there have been several guys or say men, who walked past my life. Counting only those who had the slightest of this "Feeling Virus". It started with crushes, flirting, falling in love. The same also was accompanied by the reverse order of break-ups and becoming strangers. The thing that is bothering me the most, is that, why are these abandoned people trying to return back into my life. I know I have shared a period of my life with them, but the story somehow didn't go too well. And one thing that went common, was, I shut doors on them, forever. Some had hurt me, and in some cases, I was guilty of my acts. So basically, I couldn't carry that uncomfortable relationship with them, showing-off, that"Yeah Dude, all is cool between us, what so ever happened, is erased and we still share the same equation". I wanna shout and tell them, "Get the hell out of here, You are abandoned and will be forever", that is your punishment for all the wrong that happened between us." But Alas!!! I speak the other way round, sounding pretty cool and yeah, it was past and let it be there. The justification to my act (that is actually given to my brain) says that, I cannot keep avoiding everyone around. I don't wanna hold grudges forever, and feel the pain of it..and deep down I confess..Its the empty space of that love I crave for. In each of them, I try seeking if they have those slightest of feelings again? Who is true and who is with a mask, just beating around the bush, for his entertainment. It seems that I am knocking each one again, (of course the returned ones), to check how fit they are.. Ouch!!! it hurts to see myself, me so vulnerable, over finding true love and hurts much more when I get desperate to hold the wrong ones forever. P.S.: Please God, help me get out of this, give me courage to politely say no, and bring peace to my heart, that it stops exploring all options and in process of all these, kindly see that I don't end losing myself. Love Anvisha